delenoir

Stayed up last night doing all I could to make failedpessimist blog-able again, which in reality isn't much, so I got pretty disappointed. hm.


Just remembered a couple of things I should've blogged about couple of days ago.
You know, mrs sushilla praised me for my -cough- good vocabulary, sort of, because apparently I used the word 'scathing' in my lit test.


Shizzack. When I was in primary5, Mrs Lee praised me for exactly the same thing. =/


Well no, not exactly, but she praised me for using the word 'unscathed', and they're derived from the same word so...


Gawd. That's good vocabulary?
Pfft.
My vocabulary is limited, something I've been aware of since years ago.
Amen to that, or my ego'd explode.


Went to Changi General Hospital to visit my gran. She was... so skinny. Bone, papery skin, shrivelled. On drip. Days are numbered. And I never really knew her.


I was just looking at her, you know, when suddenly I realized that I didn't even know my grandmother's name, shit.


wait, no, my gran's name isn't shit.


Hmm. See how the incorrect order of words can make a sentence morph into something so different, but yeah.


So I asked my mum. My gran's name's Ong Wei Ting.


I only just realized.


All of seventy something years ebbing away in that frail body.
I never knew her, I'm not ashamed to say that I don't feel much for her, because I can't.
and thus these few paragraphs are admittedly rather devoid of emotion.
but I do know that it'll be very, very different without her.
No more going to her house (where she lives with her maid) for Chinese New Year, or random family reunions.


And in the hospital, my uncle ji gu was there. One of my favourite uncles, I s'pose. Haven't seen him in ages, mutual. He said I look different. I think I haven't changed much.


And yeah, he was joking around with my primary 3 sister like he used to do with me when I was younger.


I was sitting beside them; couldn't help feeling kind of left out. I was thinking, c'mon, talk to me, talk to me!


I don't know if any of whoever's reading my blog right now have ever felt this way, but I feel it-very very very very clearly and honestly- that I'm an 11/12 year old trapped inside the body of a thirteen year old, soon to become fourteen.


It's a strange feeling.


Have to agree with both Paramides and Heraclitus on this aspect. Wasn't what they were talking about, but the same concept.


Paramides- all things are eternal.
Heraclitus- nothing stays the same.


The former is my self, the latter is my physical self.


Maybe my uncle feels weird talking to me now, feels weird approaching me, because apparently I've grown up. maybe in the mature sense, but c'mon, I'm still the same.


leClair is a lovely surname.


and delenoir, like Robyn says, is so not me.


looks like failedpessimist is dead. Guess I'll have to put a tagboard here.